This Is Infuriating…

I am so mad.  I am fired up.  I am angry for me and I’m angry for you.

I was going to work on cleaning the house a little bit today.  But I was scrolling through Instagram on my lunch and I saw a jewelry company that I follow had posted the following sentiment,

“If you’re completely exhausted and don’t know how you’re going to keep giving this much of yourself, you’re probably a good mom.”

What? What?! What?!! What!!!

So cleaning the house has been delayed.  Because we need to rectify this lie.

Let me say this loud and clear:  YOUR LEVEL OF EXHAUSTION SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH HOW GOOD OF A MOTHER YOU ARE!

We have been fed this lie over and over and over again.  Packaged with different little cute sayings, on coffee mugs, Tee-shirts,  memes, etc.  Now, I’m not saying that motherhood isn’t hard or isn’t exhausting AT TIMES.  Because it is.  It will be. I would be telling you a horrible, awful lie if I told you that it isn’t. And we’re gathered here today to lay lies to rest.

Kids will puke in the night.  The baby needs to eat at night.  Kids have nightmares or night terrors or are teething.  Those times are going to happen.  Things are going to get hectic and maybe overwhelming when you’re trying to get your kindergartener ready for his first day of school and the baby has a blow out 15 minutes before school begins. Or when you’re trying on a Moby wrap for the first time and using the store sample and smell something funny and realize once you get out to the car that the baby that was just in the store sample Moby wrap had a blow out right before being put in the wrap and you might have gotten baby poop on the store sample so you change that diaper in the front seat and drive away as quickly as possible.  These things happen!!!  These things are hard and are going to make you tired and possibly exhausted for a few days AT TIMES.

Being exhausted all the time should not be the badge of a good mother.  Being exhausted all the time is the badge, or flashing neon sign shall I say, of someone who needs to slow down. Someone who needs to ask for help. Someone who needs to prioritize themselves over everyone else. I will also add here that this is a struggle that I am very much in the midst of personally.  I’m not going to go into great detail but believe me when I say that I have never asked for so much help before in my life as I have in the past year and especially in the past two months because I was unhealthy.  I still am unhealthy, but I’m turning it around.

We have bought completely into the lie of expectations.  We bought it on clearance, at full price, from a subscription service and in the thin mint cookie box outside of the grocery store.  This lie is being sold to us at every turn.  And we’re BUYING IT!!  All of it!! We have Costco sized pallets of this lie sitting in the garage!

We are expected to do EVERYTHING!  To do all the activities.  To make all the cute cakes and snacks and amazing Instapot creations.  To consistently have a house that looks like it’s staged for a real estate showing.  To volunteer in your kid’s classroom.  ALL OF IT! DO IT ALL!! NOW! RIGHT NOW! Because you are a MOM that if you’re not exhausted YOU’RE NOT DOING IT RIGHT!

Do you see how ridiculous that sounds? “If you’re not exhausted you’re not a good mom.” “If you’re not giving every single ounce of yourself to your kids, you’re not a good mom.”  That is essentially what the quote from the Instagram jewelry company says.

You may be thinking, “Kailey- stop taking the silly quote so literal.” Yes, I said that to myself too.  But here’s the problem. Even if someone doesn’t take it literally the first time or even every time, the seed has still been planted.  And it will be planted over and over and over again.  Because we, yes we mothers and women, perpetuate this lie by believing it and setting the expectation for ourselves and others.  And then we create silly little quotes that get circulated on Instagram and Facebook and Twitter that then get planted, eventually believed and internalized by other women and moms.

I am giving you permission (if you need it), to stop being exhausted.  And to start doing whatever it is that is going to give you life.  Exhaustion is not life.  Exhaustion is barely functioning.  Exhaustion is survival mode.  Exhaustion is dangerous.  No, seriously. It’s dangerous. People fall asleep while driving cars.  Your body cannot function forever at exhaustion levels.

I am also giving you permission to stop giving so much of yourselves.  You do not cease to exist as a person when you have children.  Your time will be demanded in different ways and your priorities will probably shift.  But you are still you.  You’re still there.  Say no to the people or things that you can and keep some of you for you.  Stop giving so much of yourself.  If you give all of yourself (your time) away, there is nothing left.  There is no time left and you are exhausted.  How is that good for you? Your children? Your husband?  For anyone?

Let me ask you this- what do you think about when you look at your schedule? What’s your gut reaction?  Mine is often wanting to cry or amazement at a free Saturday.  That is not healthy.  Work in progress over here folks!

What do you need to do to stop being exhausted?  The answer is not more coffee and maybe not even be getting more sleep at night.  Do you need help?  Someone to drive your kids to school? A housekeeper? A dinner subscription box?  A morning or two away from the kids? Take a nap when you can.  Start a hobby that can be done in 10 minute increments.  Take this year off from sports or maybe only play a couple.  Have kid dates with one child at a time.  Play a board game with your husband or do a puzzle together.  Let your house be a little messy.  Stop raising your hand for every obscure request- let there be a gap for someone else to fill.  If the gap isn’t filled, maybe it wasn’t as important as everyone made it seem. You do not need to be the answer to everyone’s question.  Let the text go unanswered for a few hours or days.  The email will be there tomorrow.  Be still and just listen.

Let’s stop being exhausted together.   You are a good mom.  You may be exhausted at times.  But let’s work together to not making that our normal state of being.